Friday, December 28, 2007

Which One of You Bitches is My Mother?

I have always loved that line, spoken by the great Phoebe Cates (Mrs. Kevin Kline), in an old Judith Krantz mini-series about three rich girls who go off to a boarding school in Europe, one of whom gets pregnant and they all cover for each other. I can't remember what else happens, except that Phoebe Cates is the baby, and, grown up, tracks down the three now middle-aged women to find out the answer to above question.

Of course, never did I dream that I would be able to use that line, but now, in my daydreaming, I imagine one of the four little chicks going up to the big hens and posing that question--which, of course, would lead us to the first chicken-based mini-series, hopefully in prime-time, which will pay for the feed.

For the first time, we actually had a hen sit on the eggs last spring--she sat for two weeks, and out of ten eggs, four hatched. It was fun checking them out each day, and even more fun watching them gradually break their way out into the world. But it was an Araucana who did all the sitting, and it's now apparent that the babies are Wyndottes,the offspring of a hen who met her unfortunate end (along with the one-eyed Barred Rock) when an animal burrowed into the coop one night last spring.

And so, as our daughter prepares to "fly the coop" (as in: "I'm 18 now so I can do whatever I want!") and we try to manage two different new flocks--the "teenagers," three Araucanas and two barred rocks, which we ordered from Murray McMurray, and four "babies," we try to remain zen.

Like water.

Yeah, right.

Monday, December 10, 2007

It's time again for The Gift of Nothing

Wondering what to give and what to receive this year?

Consider The Gift of Nothing!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Ah, isn't that the eternal question, though?

This was sent along (compliments of the Internet) by Ana Abbasi, a very bright Smith College student taking my class through the Five College Program. She knows we love chickens, and she obviously has our sense of humor.


The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

To die in the rain. Alone.

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

I invented the chicken!

Did I miss one?

Where's my gun?

Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.